InsaneJournal

Fic: Four Kisses (BtVS/AtS)
Title: Four Kisses
Author:Nevernever
Rating: PG-13 (a few sexual references, i suck at ratings someone tell me if i'm wrong)
Spoilers: Everything in both shows.
Timeline: Starts the summer after Buffy dies but ends up in the future.
AN: This is for nihilstbear in the Spike/Dawn ficathon. It is embarassingly late. The requirements were, not too much angst, Dawn asking to borrow the duster, and the appearance of Tara.
AN2: Many many thanks to Maren for the beta.



The first time they kissed was an accident. It was a month after Buffy died. Dawn woke screaming and crying from a nightmare and Spike was at her side in an instant, wrapping his arms around her and rocking her gently. They ended up lying in a tangle on Dawn’s bed crying softly against each other.

Dawn lifted her head from the crook of his neck at the same he moved to kiss the top of her head and their lips connected. They both froze but neither pulled away. After an awkward moment they began to move, slowly at first, then with more heat. Soon it was a desperate tangle of tongues and lips and teeth.

They poured their pain into each others mouths and for just that one night, it helped.


The second time they kissed it was reassurance. It was the night Buffy came back, and Spike snuck into Dawn’s room to talk to her after Tara and Willow had gone to sleep.

“Was it real Nibblet? What happened tonight. Was it real?”

“I think so.” She scooted sideways in her bed and motioned for him to sit.

He touched her hand, “So you think…maybe…she’s back?”

Dawn nodded slowly, eyes bright, “Yeah.”

Spike nodded too “I just…I can’t…it’s…”

Dawn smoothed her hand along his cheek. “I know. It’s so much.”

He nodded again and leaned forward. “It’s so much.”

Then his lips were on hers and she could feel his fear and his joy and his confusion. She wasn’t surprised to taste his tears mixing with hers as they clung together.


For a long time Dawn didn’t tell anyone about those kisses. It wasn’t until the night she found out about Buffy and Spike that she finally cracked. She curled up with her head on Tara’s lap and cried out the whole story to her.

“I guess I just thought, even though nothing has happened in so long, I guess I thought maybe he liked me you know? Maybe I wasn’t just comfort, or a substitute for Buffy, or an obligation. I thought…maybe he was attracted to me, just a little.”

Tara smoothed Dawn’s hair over and over. “Oh Dawnie. I don’t know what he was thinking, what he is thinking, what’s going on in his head. I wish I could make things all better. I wish I could patch up your heart.”

“But you can’t.”

“I can’t. I’m so sorry sweetie. I don’t know what say.”

Dawn said nothing, she just buried her head further in Tara’s lap and cried.


The year between his soul and his death shouldn’t have brought any kisses. When he first came back Dawn hardened her heart against him, unable to bear anything from him after his betrayal with her sister, and then his betrayal of her sister.

He tried to talk to her several times, but she would only walk away. Except after the mess with RJ. He found her sitting on the back steps with her hands curled around a cup of cocoa, curtain of hair separating her from anyone else.

“You okay Bit?”

Dawn sighed, “Not even a little.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No you aren’t, you just think you should be. I just wish…”

Spike looked at her, waiting, until finally he couldn’t bear the silence. “What do you wish Nibblet?”

“Please don’t call me that.”

Spike stared at his feet. “Alright. What do you wish…Dawn?”

She turned then, and gave him a slow, sad smile. “I wish I was enough.”

“What do you mean?”

“Enough to make someone want me, enough to make someone stay, good enough, hot enough, real enough, slutty enough, whatever. Enough.”

He looked at her, with his eyes so soft it made her want to weep, “Oh pet, you are…” He leaned toward her and brushed his lips gently across hers.

She relaxed against him as his tongue sought entrance and then began to explore her mouth, but when his hand slid up her side to cup her breast she pushed him away with shaking hands. Her eyes were bright when she looked at him, “Not again Spike, please? I can’t, not tonight, not again.”

He started to ask a question, but before he could gather his thoughts she stood and went inside.


After Sunnydale Dawn mourned for him. She cried for miles in the back of the bus, holding onto Buffy, unable to explain what was wrong. Later, once they were settled, she was the one doing the holding as Buffy cried.

“I loved him Dawn, I really did. I didn’t realize until too late, but I loved him.”

Dawn was glad that Buffy didn’t notice the tears falling fast down Dawn’s face.


It was three years later when Dawn saw him again. She’d heard from Andrew that he was alive, but she’d let Buffy go alone to see him. She couldn’t bear to watch him choose her sister, couldn’t bear to face her embarrassment and her continued attraction.

After they heard about the battle with the senior partners, Buffy took a legion of slayers to LA to help with damage control and reconstruction. While there, Buffy decided she was ready, and she and Angel started up again.

Dawn and Buffy moved back to the States and Dawn enrolled in UC Berkeley with her diploma from the American School in Italy. Buffy moved in with Angel. Dawn rarely went to visit, preferring to have Buffy come up.

Dawn knew that Buffy thought she was being stupid in her refusal to see Spike. Come on Dawn, if I can forgive him you certainly can. Dawn didn’t bother to explain. Didn’t want Buffy to know about her stupid crush, and the stupid hopes she’d heaped upon it. She didn’t want Buffy to know how naive she’d been, and how much the memories still hurt her. She was hurt and embarrassed and confused and she didn’t know what to do with her feelings.

Finally though, after two years of being together Buffy and Angel decided to have a formal commitment ceremony. So Dawn purchased an ugly dress and went to stay in LA for a few days.


She saw Spike the first night.

She was standing in the living room of Buffy and Angel’s small apartment, discussing the more complicated aspects of translating ancient Sudanese scrolls with Giles, when Spike walked into the room. He hugged Buffy, kissed her cheek, and handed her a gift. To Dawn’s surprise he also hugged Angel and leaned in to whisper something that made the taller man smile before stepping back and surveying the room.

When his eyes found her, Dawn wanted nothing more than to fade into the background, or perhaps fall through some trapdoor. She shouldn’t have been surprised that he looked exactly the same, but somehow she was. She was dismayed to find that her stomach still did a little flip in his presence and her heart still pounded a little faster. She made sure not to meet his eyes but she could still feel him staring.

When she couldn’t bear it any longer she made an excuse to Giles and slipped out her sister’s bedroom window to sit on the fire escape. She searched her pockets for her cigarettes and upon finding them, immediately lit up.

She took deep drags and exhaled slowly, watching the smoke curl up into the night. She wished she could see the stars; it had been too long since she’d lived anywhere that she could do that.

“Those things will kill you, you know.”

Angel appeared behind her, leaning partway out the window watching her.

“Thanks,” she said with a wry smile, “no one’s ever told me that before.”

“What’re you doing out here? Buffy was worried.”

“She shouldn’t be. I’m fine. Just needed a smoke break.”

“Your cigarette needs don’t have anything to do with the appearance of a certain bleached friend of yours do they?”

Dawn shook her head.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, God Angel.” Dawn finished her first cigarette and lit the second one from the still burning tip of the first.

“You’ll forgive me if I don’t seem convinced.”

Dawn grimaced. “Think what you want, but it’s not my job to convince you of anything.”

Angel sighed. “Look, Dawn, Buffy sent me out here because she doesn’t understand why you are upset with Spike, but she thought I might understand. If anyone understands frustration with him it’s me.”

“Please, I saw you two hug and laugh together. Whatever issues you had you’ve clearly worked them out.”

“Yeah, mostly, but not completely, and I still know what it’s like to be mad at him. I hated him for more years than you’ve been on the planet.”

“Not possible Angel, maybe more years than I’ve been human, but I far predate you.”

Angel gave a small smile. “Right, I always forget about that.”

Dawn was unbearably jealous of that forgetting.

“So do you want to tell me about it?”

“Not particularly. He just…he hurt me, and it’s…”

“Complicated?” a voice behind Angel piped up.

“Fuck” Dawn swore under her breath.

“I heard that Bit.”

“Don’t call me that.” Dawn snapped.

“Kitten’s got claws.” Spike grinned. “Angel, would you mind leaving me and the nibblet alone? I think we have issues that we are long overdue to work out.”

Angel nodded and disappeared back into the party and Spike tossed a leg over the sash and climbed out the window to join Dawn.

“So Bit, want to tell me what the hell I did that’s kept you mad at me all this time?”

Dawn pushed her hair out of her face and faced him. “Go away Spike.”

“Nope, not gonna.” Spike’s expression was infuriatingly smug. “It’s well past time we talked about this. And with your sister marrying my grand-sire, we’re about to be family. We damn well need to get this worked out.”

Dawn’s stomach turned at the implications of being related to Spike. Even if it was just a creepy vampire family thing it still smacked of incest in a way that made her wholly uncomfortable.

“Come on Dawn. What’ve I done to make you angry?”

Dawn considered her options. She could ignore him, go back inside, and spend the rest of the trip avoiding him; she could try to talk to him; or she could jump off the fire escape and hope she didn’t survive the fall. As tempting as the third option was, she decided the second was best.

She took a deep breath.

“I’m not angry.”

“Please, how stupid do you think I am?”

“I’m not!” She squawked. “I’m more…hurt.”

His face softened. “By what?”

“You, the past, my own stupidity, take your pick.”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you remember the summer after Buffy died?”

He nodded.

“Do you remember the night I had a nightmare? Or the night right after she came back?”

Spike looked away, “Yeah…about that Bit…I’m…”

“Don’t okay? Don’t apologize. You were soulless, you were lonely, I was a good substitute.”

“No…that’s not…”

“What I don’t understand is what happened the year after, after RJ. Why kiss me? Why touch me? You had a soul, you nearly had Buffy, I don’t...”

“Dawn, I’m so sorry.”

“Why did you do it? I knew that you loved Buffy. Hell you probably still love Buffy. Why kiss me?”

Spike sighed. “It’s complicated.”

Dawn leaned back against the railing on the fire escape and lit another cigarette. “I’ve got time.” She shivered, “But can I borrow your coat? It’s cold.”

He nodded and handed it to her, then leaned forward and stared out at the city. “Those first two kisses, they were wrong. You’re right. I was soulless and I was lonely and I was lost. And I’m sorry. But you weren’t a substitute.” Dawn snorted and Spike gave her a look before continuing. “You weren’t. I never thought of you like that, and it wasn’t about wanting your sister, it was wanting comfort and I’m sorry.”

“And the third?”

“That one was different. Yeah I loved Buffy, yeah I had a soul, but...” Spike stopped talking and buried his face in his hands.

Dawn flicked her cigarette butt out into the air and turned back to the window. “Never mind, I don’t really need to hear it, all is forgiven, bye.”

Spike caught her arm and turned her back to face him. “What exactly do you think I’m going to say?”

She looked at the ground and used her free hand to tighten the duster around her.

“Well?”

“Probably something about realizing you could never have Buffy so you wanted to have someone, realizing that I was the only one stupid enough to let you, to want you.”

“No.” The ferocity in his voice made her look up. “That’s not how it was. I loved your sister, knew I could never have her, but what happened with you had nothing to do with her.”

“What did it have to do with?”

“I wanted you Dawn.”

She couldn’t quite hide her shock and disbelief.

“I did. I felt like a dirty old man, lusting after a sixteen year old girl, but I wanted you. God,” he released her arm and ran his fingers through his hair, “I loved your sister, I did, but as often as I dreamed about her I dreamed about you and trust me I realize that makes me a special kind of sick.”

Dawn took a step back. “You...”

“Wanted you.”

Dawn shook her head. “No.”

Spike stepped towards her, “Yes. Wanted you, wanted to kiss you, touch you, be in you, feel your legs wrapped around me, watch you shatter beneath me.”

Something tightened in Dawn and she felt her cheeks getting red and her panties getting wet.

Spike smirked and stepped even closer. “Wanted you Dawnie. Still do. It was wrong then, you were young, I loved Buffy. Not wrong now.”

Dawn hugged the duster to herself trying to keep from throwing herself at him. “Do you still love her?”

He shook his head. “Do you still want me?”

She looked cautiously up into his eyes; seeing no deception, there she nodded. Before she could take another breath he was pressed against her, his lips on hers.

Their fourth kiss was by far the best. It was a slow tangle of tongues and lips. It was exploration and re-acquaintance. One of his hands tangled in her hair as the other cupped the small of her back. Hers slipped and slid along his back, up under his shirt, exploring the skin that was rapidly warming with her touches.

When they pulled apart, he rested his forehead on hers. “I’m thinking we should get out of here, yeah?”

“Your place? I’m crashing on Buffy’s couch.”

He grinned and grabbed her hand. Together they made their excuses, said their goodbyes and made their way out into the night.